Dear Double Take,I am a wife of seven years and a mother of two. When my 8-month-old son was born, we hired a nanny because I work full time. My husband was laid off over the winter because he's in construction and that happens sometimes. We were happy with our nanny, so while my husband was laid off, we kept the nanny on because we would need her after my husband started work again.The two of them started spending a lot of time together and have become great friends. They even hang out sometimes while I watch the kids. I don't have a problem with this because I trust both of them. But I am getting so much negativity from friends and family -- including his family -- that I'm thinking of asking my husband to put an end to their new friendship. I even had a call from a friend who told me she was sorry to hear about the infidelity of my husband. The rumor mill is definitely spinning.Am I blinded by love, or should I just tell others to mind their own business?
ALANA SAYS:Over the years, Eddie and I have received plenty of letters from women who are suspicious of the time their husbands are spending with other women.
The difference with you, though, is that you're not suspicious. You trust them both.
The situation might look funny to outsiders, but your gut is what really counts here. If you're convinced there's nothing going on between them and that they are just good friends, don't wreck that because you're self-conscious about the rumor mill.
EDDIE SAYS:I've been known to go out for drinks or meals with female friends -- even ex-girlfriends. My wife trusts me, I trust myself and all is well.
There's no reason this can't work out for everyone.
My only slight caveat is something we usually use for people with new relationships. Sometimes a writer says a guy (for instance) seems great, but all her friends and family hate him. We always say to trust your instincts but wonder why there's a pattern. If even his family is trying to rat him out, it might be worth asking them a question or two about if there's something specific getting them riled up, or just hearing about time without you.
If nothing else, it's hard to imagine he'd be so bold as to have you watch the kids. So I also think you should just let it roll off your back.
Dear Double Take:I am 23 and single. I met a girl in February who I have gradually grown closer to. But I have created a situation for myself that is very complex, emotionally.I want to remain single and see other people; however, at the same time, I feel connected to this girl. I get jealous when we go out and I see people flirting with her, and I treat her as if we are together -- she has met all of my family.What complicates the situation is that I just moved into my own place recently, and she seems to want to see me every night, at least every weekend. This does not allow me to see other women, which can be frustrating at times.I enjoy being single; still, I contemplate the thought of being with her. Help!
EDDIE SAYS:Young people should, without a doubt, enjoy life, play the field, test the waters and sow their oats.
Until they find someone special, that is. If a young lady makes your heart sing and engages your mind -- and your vision for life includes getting married -- you're a bit past the age where you should feel "too young to settle down," an excuse I hear from older and older people now.
(And then you find them saying, "Why can't I find someone without deep scars from their first marriage?")
Basically, your situation isn't really so complicated. If you're not willing giving up hypothetical other girls, don't give so much of your time. If she wants to see you, say you have other plans. If you've been honest about the status of your relationship, she'll have to accept it or move on, if she needs more.
You have to be willing to let her do that if you can't make a decision about her and she wants one.
And if you haven't been honest -- which includes letting her think that you're a committed couple without setting her straight -- then you're just a wishy-washy jerk.
ALANA SAYS:Your situation is what you call wanting your cake and eating it, too. You want this woman to be all yours, but you don't want to commit yourself to just her.
I'm afraid it just doesn't work that way. If you're frustrated that she wants to spend so much time with you and you still want to date other women, it sounds like this isn't the girl to whom you're ready to commit.
That's perfectly fine, but make sure you're honest about it. If you want to date other people, she should have the same freedom without having to deal with your jealousy.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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