Dear DoubleTake,
I have been in a relationship for 8 years. I have a 10-year-old and together we have a 3-year-old. I'm a take-charge, knowledgeable, independent woman, and he's the follow-your-lead, need-help-with-everything, dependent kind of man. I always feel like I have three kids instead of two. I don't mind being a help-mate, but I hate the fact that he is so unable to act independently.
If he takes the car to the mechanic, he has to call me to have me explain what's wrong with the car. If he takes the kids to the doctor, I have to tell him exactly what to say.
Don't get me wrong -- he works, pays bills, cooks, cleans, watches the children, and all of the things that you would expect a man to do. He doesn't look at housework as helping, and he doesn't view watching the children baby sitting.
I love and appreciate that, but after eight years he still doesn't get why I need to be hugged sometimes, hear "I love you" sometimes or cuddle sometimes. He seems to only enjoy doing things by himself. He only enjoys conversations that don't have anything to do with feelings. When I say something to him about these things, he takes the position that I don't want him to have any fun.
I explain that it's not that I don't want him to do things by himself or with his friends, it's that I want him to do things with me sometimes, too.
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't enjoy being with me. I don't want to be with someone who isn't emotionally invested in our relationship. In my mind there are two choices: change these things or go our separate ways. In his mind there is a third choice: Do nothing and stay together.
No one I talk to takes any of these concerns seriously because he does so much for the family and there aren't any major no-nos (cheating, abuse, etc.). Do you leave a man who needs you and gives so much to your family but leaves you feeling so emotionally unfulfilled most of the time?

BETTY SAYS:

As B.B. King once said, "The Thrill Is Gone." But no matter -- this relationship is still salvagable.

Think deeply about ways you can work more fun and romance into your life. Is there a time on the weekend -- say late Friday night or early Sunday morning -- that you can consistently devote to your partner? Find one good day during the week when you can spend an hour of quality time together. It can be as simple as talking over a cup of coffee at the dinner table or taking a walk around the block.

There's no way around it: Keeping things fresh in a relationship is tough, especially when you have children. Divorce is easy -- coming to terms isn't. But the people who make it seem like every day is a pleasure to spend with their partners are no different than you and me -- they simply find the time and energy to make it work.

Men and women must learn how to fulfill each other's emotional needs, it's not a skill we're born with.

Your partner sounds like a typical guy who just needs some nudging.

EDDIE SAYS:

My guess is that this guy gets a lot of nudging. I would guess that the first few times he ran errands and took care of things, his "take-charge" wife told him how she would have done it and explained what he was doing wrong.

I read something recently that said that many modern men will happily do a lot of things that used to be mommy jobs -- taking care of errands, picking kids up at school -- but will never do it just like a woman would.

So maybe you explained that you think he was doing it wrong. He senses that you care about those details more than he does -- and probably care more about being right -- so he saves a step and lets you have your input as it goes, not just once you think he's already screwed up.

If all that's true, then it would be no surprise that he wouldn't be jumping at the chance to have conversations about how wrongly he manages your feelings, too.

He could need to shape up, but you may also want to look at how you treat him and think about which issues are really worth getting upset about. It does sound like you both have it good; you just need to smooth the rough edges.

• Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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