Dear Double Take,
I am a 52-year-old woman, and I'm very fit and physically attractive for my age. I have been divorced for 20-some years. I raised two sons without the help of any family or the ex, who ran off to who knew where. I put myself through college, built a successful career, bought my own home, and have many professional and personal successes, except for relationships.

I had one boyfriend in my 20s, my husband, another relationship that lasted nine out of the 10 years of my 30s, another relationship that lasted eight out of 10 years in my 40s. I am tired of this. I want to just have some fun and some company once in a while.
I made the dumb mistake of signing onto a swing lifestyle Internet site, and men came out of the woodwork. Most are married and cheating or as old as one of my sons. I've had quite a few laughs over all this and a couple of attractive offers to meet.
How do I go forward at this point? I don't want to fall in love. I just want to fall in lust, or have some friendships before everything on me is gravity-stricken.
I have only known the "dating, fall in love, make commitments, stay long term, then it falls apart" scenarios. I do not want anything to do with anybody else's husband.
I recently moved to a new area and know very few people. What are your ideas? Do men and women still go to bars to meet? Do you think if I would agree to meet one of these men from the Internet sites?
Please don't laugh. You would be surprised how many middle-aged women like me are wondering about this stuff, thinking about proceeding with behavior that in our younger years we considered to be immoral and risky at best.

ALANA SAYS:

I don't think your problem is so different from singles 30 years your junior, who are looking to meet new people and date, but aren't interested in a serious relationship. They face the same challenges: How do you meet new people? Check out the bar scene? Find a dating Web site?

I don't think I'd advise anyone to rely on the bar scene to meet potential dates. Even if you are looking to just "have fun," nobody really acts like themselves at the bar -- do they? And if they are acting like they always act, they're probably not somebody with whom you want to be involved.

But looking online isn't a bad idea ... although perhaps the swingers site wasn't the best place to start. There are tons of dating sites out there that let you get to know someone without putting yourself at risk. If you do decide to meet someone online, definitely do it at a public place, and definitely don't invite your new friend back to your house on your first meeting.

But the solution to meeting people is never easy. It takes work. The best way to find folks with whom you might actually have something in common is to get involved in a community action group or a book club -- or something else that you'd enjoy. And if you strike out once, keep trying. You'll find your niche out there.

EDDIE SAYS:

A woman who wants to go online and say, "I'm just looking for indulgent, no-strings-attached intimacy," is going to be flooded with e-mail!

And I bet that's what would happen if you found a good online service to post another ad. That way, you can be clear about who you are and what you're looking for. Anyone who seems to be seeking something different -- or with baggage like, you know, someone else he's committed to -- can safely be ignored.

You're lucky to be in a time when social roles are much more open than they used to be and that gives you the tools to take advantage of it.

Dear Double Take,
I am a 33-year-old woman who has a problem finding men to date.
I feel like I am in a good place in my life: good job, good friends, money in the bank, college educated, play in a band, etc. I have fun. But I would like to have a steady romantic relationship.
Dating has never been easy for me. Seems like the men that I meet that I like (nice, normal, intelligent) always have girlfriends. The men that approach me either have some kind of weird agenda or other life or are just plain strange.
It makes me wonder what I'm doing that makes these people think I would be interested in dating a married or abusive man.
If I do find a single guy who is nice, I always get the "You're like a sister to me" speech. I have met people through work, at church, school, walking down the street, and I seem to continually have this same problem.
I suspect that some of this is related to me being overweight. I like the way I look, but I sometimes get the feeling that guys assume I have low self-esteem. When they find out they can't play me, they get upset or leave. I know being overweight is not socially acceptable, but I am healthy and I am not about to starve myself just so that I can have a decent date.
What can I do to make myself more appealing to the nice guys I want to date without having to be a razor-thin supermodel?

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

EDDIE SAYS:

Based on your letter, I'm surprised you don't have guys beating a path to you. You sound smart and fun, without even going into the fact that there are many men who either prefer someone a bit softer, or at least don't care much.

OK, now it sounds like patronizing, which is not my intent (or flirting -- also not my plan).

It sounds like you understand the game, the motivations and what generally works. I'd say what you're missing is patience. Not that you're totally bereft, you just need to hang in there longer. You're on the path to finding someone good, rather than just belly flopping into any bad relationship that comes along.

Just stick with it.

ALANA SAYS:

It seems like you know what you're looking for -- a good first step. And it seems like you're doing your best to meet people -- again, a good sign.

If you're really anxious to find Mr. Right, you might see if your friends -- who know how great you are and what kind of guy you'd like -- could set you up. But I really second Eddie's opinion here: Patience is key.

And although you do sound well-adjusted and generally satisfied with yourself, I must bring up my mother's advice: How important is it to have a boyfriend, anyway? If you have a full life with plenty of friends and a loving family, be happy with that -- or get busy making your life full without relying on a guy to do it. If a special man is destined to enter your life, he will.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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