Dear Double Take,I am a wife and mother of two, and I have a wonderful marriage and family. The problem is my sister, who has been married to her second husband for three years. My sister and I are five years apart (she is 40 and I am 35). She has always tried to compete with me in everything, but we always remained close. We would talk on the telephone at least two or three times a day.
Her husband is 34 and supposed to be a minister, but he has called me with nasty sexual comments. Now my sister and I have completely stopped talking; I have not talked to her since New Year's. Do you think that her husband has said something to her about me?I told my mother and my older two sisters. I feel like we should tell my sister as well as my husband. My husband is questioning me about why this sister and I aren't talking anymore.What should I do? I love my sister, and I only want her to be happy.
ALANA SAYS:This is a bit of a jam; nobody wants to tell someone they love that someone
they love has done something hurtful.
But that's still my advice to you. She needs to know what happened and that the incident made you uncomfortable. But she also needs to know that you'll support any decision she makes in dealing with this.
I'm a little confused about the "not talking" thing. It is, after all, a two-way street. Why aren't you calling her anymore? She needs your friendship now more than ever.
And I also don't know why you wouldn't tell your husband. My guess is you're worried he'll become insanely jealous and go after this guy with a baseball bat -- but if your marriage is as wonderful as you say it is, he'd probably just want to try to help you deal with the situation. Lying to him about why you and your sister aren't talking just doesn't make sense.
EDDIE SAYS:If she stopped calling you or taking your calls, it probably means that her husband said something bad about you. The typical thing would be turning the situation around to say that you did what he did.
That's a nice, common lie that makes it seem like you're even shadier if you deny it. Sneaky, yes?
The only way to combat sneakiness is with the truth. If she won't talk to you, try a letter. If she won't read a letter, have one of the several family members with whom you've shared this scandal make an appeal on your behalf.
Really, with all these people knowing what went on, I'm surprised nobody's talked to her.
There are many situations in which it's probably OK not to tell someone every detail that may break their hearts. In this case, it sounds like a lot of people need to stop talking behind each other's backs.
Dear Double Take:I recently reconnected with someone I knew in 10th grade at our 20-year high school reunion. We began seeing each other. On our first date, he told me that by befriending him back in high school and showing him a cleaner side of life, I turned him around. He went on to become a very successful businessman.We dated for two months, seeing each other on average twice a week. When I recently mentioned that he didn't seem to have enough time for the various things going on in his life (spending time with his daughter, expanding his business, working out, taking a class and dating). He said he knew it would eventually come to this. We had "the talk," in which he said he was not ready for a serious relationship, but that he can't see dating me casually because I'm just wonderful.Is this believable? I ask because if there's something else -- bad breath, snarky laugh, taste in movies -- that's turning him off, I'd prefer to know rather than be let down easy. I'd like to know because I respect and admire him, and his opinion would matter.I don't buy the "poor timing" line because I think that if you meet someone as wonderful as he says I am, timing doesn't matter. Do you think he's just being nice (and cowardly) or sincere?
EDDIE SAYS:You suggested that he doesn't have enough time for everything in his life. He agreed with you, and decided you were the thing to cut out. Now you're wondering what happened.
You talked yourself out of a pretty good relationship.
Who knows what made him gunshy, but my guess is that he doesn't feel a problem now, but part of him thinks, "Well, if she already is talking about time, she feels like she's not getting enough of mine, and I don't have more to give. I don't want to have running battles about this, so let's just end things now before the wounds get deep."
And it sounds like he was pretty clear about it, though he didn't say, "I cut my list from the bottom, and that's where you were, baby." Would that have been more brave, more honest? Maybe. But there was no reason for him to do it.
While we're on the topic, don't knock letting people down easily. If more people knew how to soft-pedal a breakup but still get their point across effectively, we'd be a much happier nation.
ALANA SAYS:My guess is that he
does think you're wonderful, but he's just not feeling any sparks. If he were, he'd make time for you.
That's the type of relationship that's the hardest to end. You like the other person, you enjoy spending time with them, but you just don't feel that special something -- and you know they do. A lot of people just kind of let the relationship slide along until they find someone else who ignites those sparks -- and then the person they "let down" is devastated because they've been led on for months, or, heck, even years.
This is a nice guy. He knew he didn't want something serious with you, and he got up the nerve to tell you. Be glad you didn't waste any more time in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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