Dear Double Take,
My sister hasn't spoken to me for the past six months, in an effort to ignore my significant other's existence. This began when we purchased our first home together back in October -- stuff hit the fan, and now she doesn't like him at all.

He and I recently got engaged, and a month later, I found out I am pregnant.
Since my sister won't answer my calls, I tried to e-mail to inform her of both bits of news. When I speak to my mother about it, she says that it's not so much anger at my fiance as anger that my life is changing and is involving my sister less and less. My mom says that my sister does want to be a part of these huge life events but doesn't want to share that joy with both me and my fiance -- just me.
I have a hard time believing that, since she refuses to return even an e-mail.
Don't you think that if she really wanted to talk to me that she would? Do you think that -- if possible -- I should find time with her separate from my fiance? I feel that would somehow betray my fiance, but do not want to be ignored by my sister.

EDDIE SAYS:

You don't give any ages in your letter, but one thing's clear -- someone needs to grow up.

It's not you, your fiance or your mother. It's your sister.

Unless whatever happened when you got your home was serious and you're just "yadda yadda-ing" away, she just needs to get over it. Uncertainty and a bit of jealousy in a changing family are normal. Cutting off all contact because you don't have the maturity to cope with not being No. 1 for a family member anymore is extreme and selfish.

She knows what's going on in your life, and refuses to take pleasure if she can't have it all. Keep doing what you're doing -- try to contact her every once in a while. Have your mom tell her you want her around. But don't expect results.

You don't need to make a dramatic "I have no sister" speech, but don't focus your energy on her. Pay attention to the fun and joy of your upcoming marriage and baby.

ALANA SAYS:

While Eddie is probably right about who's causing the problem here, there are a couple other things to consider.

Whenever my sisters haven't liked my boyfriends, there was a reason for it. Once, a boyfriend of mine hit on one of my sisters, and she didn't tell me because she wanted to spare my feelings. Instead, she just started hating him, and I had no idea why.

While it's entirely possible that your sister is just being selfish and immature, make sure you know why she doesn't like your fiance. How does the rest of your family feel about him? Your family can sometimes see things about guys you date that you can't.

I'm not trying to break up your relationship or anything. I just want to make sure you're seeing the big picture here.

Keep reaching out to your sister. My guess is she'll thaw when she realizes you're with this guy for good.

Dear Double Take,
I recently met this man on an Internet dating site. His pictures were average, but his profile was very intriguing. We have a lot in common. We talked on the phone, and we got along so well that we met two days later for our first date. It was amazing -- we talked for three hours in a cozy little restaurant. He gave me a very wonderful (and respectful) kiss good night, and we parted ways, but not before he said he was very excited about the potential relationship and that he couldn't wait to see me again.
Since then, he still calls frequently (every day or so), but he didn't invite me to do anything for Valentine's Day, and to top it off, he had a few drinks that evening with a woman he works with (whom he swears is just a friend). When I told him that bothered me some, we had a "talk" and he told me he was very much interested in me and definitely wants to keep seeing me, but he is afraid he is rushing things and only "infatuated" with me. He blames his fear on a previous relationship.
My first instinct is this is a load of crap. I told him I'd heard that line before, and he swore repeatedly he's not seeing other people, but just wants to ensure he gets to know me as a person and that he isn't just experiencing a crush.
While I admit I have trust issues, this whole thing is sending up red flags. I don't want to trust him and get hurt again, but on the other hand, in the back of my head a voice says that since he is still calling, maybe he's sincere. Any advice?

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

ALANA SAYS:

Whoa, slow down. So you've had one date and you're insulted he didn't invite you out for Valentine's Day? You might be overreacting just a bit.

However, it does beg the question -- are you reciprocating his calls? Why didn't you invite him do something on Valentine's Day? With a relationship this new, he's probably unsure of his steps. Maybe he didn't want to invite you out on the Day of Love because he was afraid it would scare you off.

Also -- it's it kind of early in a relationship to be jealous already? You had one date. Did you already talk about being exclusive? If not, give the guy a break.

Your trust issues, as you call them, are definitely coming through here. Let this relationship develop a bit before you start questioning it. Giving your guy a hard time at this stage will just chase him away.

EDDIE SAYS:

Infatuated is the most this guy should be after one date. What did you want him to do, plan a romantic Valentine's Day with a horse-drawn carriage, a dozen white doves and a sparkling ring at the end of the night?

This guy is well within the bounds of polite, casual dating to take other women out, even though his lips touched yours. He would have been wise to not mention to you that he went out with another women, though he demurely tried to hide that it probably really was a date.

He must have figured you would be hip enough to the game to know not to ask too many questions. It sounds like when he found that you were possessive from the starting gate, he got worried.

I don't blame him.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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