Dear Double Take,
I have been married almost three years. My husband adopted my son and is a wonderful father and husband. The problem is that he has a girlfriend from his past.
In the beginning, they talked occasionally, and I said that it bothered me that they were discussing her failing marriage and any problems we might be having. He said that he stopped.
Then he gave me his password to his e-mail to check something, and I saw that she has been e-mailing him. I have been checking daily to see if she sent any more e-mails and to see if he responded. The e-mails she sends are not appropriate. She says that she will love him forever.
She recently sent him a message and it said that she was sorry for causing problems between us, but she would like to keep in touch and talk on the phone. He responded by saying it was never her fault, but he really couldn't talk on the phone.
I have asked him repeatedly if he is still in contact with her and he lies and says no. I have to say that this is not the only time he has lied to me about talking to her or other women.
I am also seven months pregnant and he is even discussing baby names with her.
He told her recently that he would try to give her a call while he was at work. Then he has changed his e-mail password and I can no longer see what's going on. I know that it's wrong to read his e-mail without him knowing, but his lying about this is devastating.
If he lies about this, what else is he lying about? Please help!

EDDIE SAYS:

When you snoop, it means that you deserve to find out things you won't like. You're trying to create drama, looking for something to be mad about, because then you get the bonus of being indignant about the lies, too.

Basically, you're trying to stir up trouble. Congratulations! It worked. Don't you feel successful?

Your husband shouldn't lie. You're right. But he shouldn't have to be false about something as silly as this. He has a friend who, for no particular reason, you don't want him to talk to. I suppose, since you didn't cite anything else, that you think their former involvement -- at least four years ago -- is a good enough reason for that. It's not.

I think that you want us to suggest a way to get your husband to fix this. I don't think he should. You should be honest with him. Consider something like, "Honey, I'm sorry I asked you not to talk to Ms. X. It was silly of me. I trust you. I know that you've been sneaking around talking to her. I'm sorry I put us in that situation and I won't do it again."

ALANA SAYS:

I'm sure knowing that your husband is lying is incredibly hurtful, and it's no surprise that you're now questioning your trust for him.

However, Eddie has a point. Do you really want to be the kind of wife who snoops around in her husband's private business to make sure he's following your orders?

Before you start questioning your entire marriage, try to think of this from your husband's point of view. He is, after all, only talking to her. From your letter, he wasn't being inappropriate in their conversations. It sounds like a perfectly innocent friendship to me.

When you informed your husband that you wanted him to stop talking to this woman, he wanted to keep you from being hurt -- he really did. But he also thought your wishes were unfair and your fears unfounded. Instead of questioning you on this and upsetting you further, he simply continued to reply to her e-mails.

As far as trust goes, your snooping far exceeds his white lies. Take a deep breath, remember that you love and trust your husband, and let it go.

Dear Double Take,
I just turned 40 and my boyfriend is divorced, 38, with two kids. We have been dating for 2½ years. Recently my parents having been giving me a very hard time about the fact that we are not engaged yet. I have my house, he has his house, and I'm with him on the weekends. Since my 40th birthday, my parents have picked up the attack. They make comments such as he's stalling, he's never going to marry you, he's stringing you along, have you met someone else, etc.
I know my boyfriend's reasons for not jumping into an engagement and marriage, and I agree, but the pressure my parents are putting on me is unbelievable. I don't want to have to choose, but that is what I feel like they are making me do. Any suggestions?

ALANA SAYS:

... How old did you say you were?

OK, maybe that seems harsh. I understand that your parents' approval is important. But you're an adult. If you and your boyfriend have a relationship with which you're both happy, your parents should be satisfied with that.

But since they apparently aren't, it's your job to tell them to butt out. It can be nicer than that, but you don't have to defend your relationship. Simply tell them it's none of their business. If you make it clear that their badgering is bothering you, perhaps they'll tone it down.

EDDIE SAYS:

"None of your business," may be true, but it's not the most diplomatic way to approach it (as Alana knows).

Try this: "Look, I know you wanted me to be married. But that's not how my life worked out. You raised me to be independent and successful and happy, and I am. I've got a great guy and things are just how I want them to be. The only thing I'd change is if you guys could understand that marriage isn't in the cards right now. But don't worry -- I love how things are."

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana only offer advice to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

Double Take Archive:

• Man's Porn Collection Upsets Wife
• My Ex Married My Niece
• Mom Targets Video Games
• A Child's Sacrifice
• Unforgiving Sister
• Online Guy Hints At Bye-Bye
• Wife Bemoans Homebody Husband
• A Father's Frustrations
• Guilt Trips Aren't Always Bad
• Disgruntled Dad Sounds Off
• Pregnancy Quarrels
• My Sister Hates My Man
• Am I High-Maintenance?
• Fearing Family Fallout
• Just 'Talking The Talk'?
• Nasty Call Silences Sisters
• Bye-Bye, Married Guy
• My Man Won't Marry Me
• Where Can I Meet Good Guys?

More Archives ...