Dear Double Take,
I have an 18-year-old stepson who I have raised for 12 years.
He has started a collection of liquor and beer bottles that he has "conquered." We insisted that he take them down and stop wearing those stupid T-shirts that glorify being drunk.
He is not doing well academically, and his behavior and attitude are self-absorbed. I think he has a problem with alcohol, and my husband thinks he has "middle-child syndrome."
We've treated all of our children equally; however, this one treats everyone around him with terrible disrespect, including his girlfriend. Any suggestions?

EDDIE SAYS:

It depends on what you're trying to do and how far you're willing to go to make it happen.

You probably want it all to change: stop drinking, be more respectful, get better grades, help little old ladies across the street and volunteer at the free medical clinic.

Most of those would probably float into place if you could pull the plug on his drinking.

I'll assume you've tried talking about it and yelling about it, and that's now a dry well.

So you need to move on to incentives. He's 18, and while that means in some ways he's an adult, he's still in your home. Set some rules, and stick to them. A curfew could be in order.

But you'll also need to have consequences if he refuses to follow. I'm not sure what those could be in your situation: taking his spending money, raising his rent, snatching back the car keys, whatever.

Yes, you have to be committed to those things. But if you're really at an end of your own ideas and desperately need the change, then you have to do things differently than you have been until now.

If all else fails, he's 18. He's an adult. If he can't live by your rules, he doesn't have to live with you. On his own, he might flounder more. But he also might realize that it's his job to manage his own life well.

ALANA SAYS:

Even if your stepson doesn't necessarily have a problem with alcohol, it is well within your rights to insist that he stop drinking. It is, after all, illegal. To do so, start with Eddie's suggestions: Take away privileges and enact consequences as need be.

But as Eddie said, your stepson is an adult, and he might simply refuse, regardless of your efforts. If that's the case -- and if you aren't ready to give up -- it's time to get tough. Give ultimatums and follow through. Get creative: Perhaps he gets locked out of the house if he isn't home in time for curfew. Maybe his car disappears if he comes home drunk.

Keep in mind that you may alienate him, depending on how tough you get. But it might be worth it in the long run, if it helps him get his act together.

Dear Double Take,
With the arrival of summer, we are thinking of buying our family an above-ground pool. The problem is that when we did it a few years ago, the neighborhood children on either side of us were constantly asking if they could swim. We would say they could come over, and the fighting and yelling would begin.
Another problem is that my 6-year-old will not be allowed in the pool without an adult, and I don't want to be in the pool when all the kids are in. They play too rough and splash too much. I don't want to tell my daughter she can't get in the pool because the big kids are playing.
What is the best way to handle having a pool in our back yard without being walked all over by the neighbors, but still allow them to enjoy it sometimes?

ALANA SAYS:

When I was a kid, I would have been in heaven to have a back-yard pool. But my parents said no for much the same reasons you listed, as well as one more: the potential liability.

Pesky neighborhood kids aren't enough reason to deprive yourself and your family of a pool if you decide you want one. You just have to be clear about the rules from the start.

Perhaps you could designate one day a week as an "open-swim day." Every Friday, for example, kids -- and adults -- in the neighborhood are welcome to enjoy the pool. If your 6-year-old is also aware of this rule ahead of time, it'll be much easier to simply tell her that she'll get to swim the rest of the week.

Better yet, you could do something special with your daughter on the designated neighborhood swim day. Perhaps she'll get to invite a friend over to play in the house or rent a movie of her choice.

It also wouldn't hurt to post a list of swimming rules so the kids don't get so rowdy -- and step in to enforce your rules when need be. Not only is that kind of rough play annoying, but it's also potentially dangerous.

EDDIE SAYS:

The way to not get walked on is to not let it happen. As Alana says: Set clear rules from the start, make sure everyone knows them and then enforce them consistently.

If you really want to be cutesy about it, you can use some sort of progressive discipline, as I hear is popular in many schools. If a kid violates a rule, he gets a warning. If it happens again, it's a yellow card. Once more, and he's gone for a week.

This won't make you the most popular pool parent. But if they don't like it, they won't come over anymore, which solves your problem.