Dear Double Take,
My problem is my wife's uncle. He doesn't ask if he can he use something at our home before he uses it. Once, I was at my computer and stood up to stretch and go to the bathroom. Before I could even take two steps, he had jumped into my chair, even though I wasn't done with my work.
I stopped and jokingly said, "Yeah, you can use the computer."
He then retorted with, "I was going to anyway."
I don't want to cause hard feelings between my wife and me, but her uncle needs to learn to ask.
In the past, I have seen him steal prescription pills and cigarettes, and I have had to tell him to stay out of our bedroom, which he searched one time.
How do I tell him that he needs to ask before he uses?

EDDIE SAYS:

You have good instincts. Disguising things you mean in a light way can sometimes fix a problem without having to make anyone feel bad.

It contains a flaw, though. Most people -- especially men -- don't get subtlety, subtext or hidden messages. They either don't sense your true intent or figure, "If he meant it, he would have said it directly." Incidentally, this is why women often have trouble getting rid of exes, but that's for another letter.

You tried the method that might save your uncle-in-law some embarrassment. So much for Plan A. The next step is something kind but more clear. Along the lines of: "Uncle John, it's fine if you need to use the computer to check something briefly, but since I often have work open, please ask me first and please don't change any settings."

If that doesn't work, you'll have to escalate to: "OK, you need to not touch my computer. Sorry, but that's the way it is."

On a geeky note -- you could consider setting up a password to log in or giving him his own account with very limited security settings.

ALANA SAYS:

It sounds like your wife's uncle has more problems than simple inconsideration. The fact that he's stolen in the past and searched your bedroom means he's inconsiderate and untrustworthy. I don't think the "Just say no" method is going to fix both.

First of all, talk to your wife about this. Does she see the problem? During your discussion, be careful about the tone you use when talking about her uncle. Calling him a jerk isn't going to gain her support, but voicing your concerns about your combined privacy might catch her attention. You can be respectful about him and still point out the problems.

Next, make sure your uncle-in-law gets the message that your house is your house -- and he doesn't have free reign. Be as specific as need be about where he's welcome and where he isn't. But again, watch your tone. Instead of insinuating that he's the problem, explain that you and your wife really guard your privacy and just don't want outsiders in, say, your bedroom.

Also, given your uncle-in-law's history, don't leave him alone in your house or around your valuables. The last thing you need is to discover something has disappeared after his visit; you'd likely blame him regardless of whether he's guilty.

Dear Double Take,
I am at my wit's end in dealing with my 23-year-old daughter. She won't get a job, go back to school or even get her driver's license. She is dating a guy who just turned 21, and he picks her up to stay with him at his parents' house for four or five days at a time. I guess when he's sick of her, he brings her back here.
She doesn't pay to live here, she doesn't help out with cleaning, washing, cooking or yard work. Most importantly, she doesn't watch her mildly retarded brother, which means that I have to take him to my mother's house while I go to work.
I kicked her out once, but she just went to my elderly mom's house and mooched from her, which caused a giant uproar with my siblings. What can I do with her?

ALANA SAYS:

This girl needs to grow up -- which I know I don't need to tell you. But what you do need to hear is that you have to stop letting her mooch off of you.

Ideally, you could kick her out again and make some kind of arrangement with your mother that she's just not allowed to stay there.

But if that isn't workable, it doesn't mean you have to let her keep doing what she's doing. Make a list of tasks you want her to perform to earn her keep, and then take away things she's getting for free now until she fulfills the tasks. You don't have to let her eat your food, and you certainly don't have to wash her clothes. Take away TV and phone privileges, too. It might seem like a punishment for an adolescent, but she's the one acting immature -- so she deserves it. And tell her you'll be more lenient with the task list if she gets a job.

The other thing to consider here is that she's apparently pretty lost. Have you had a discussion with her about what she wants to do? You can be supportive of her growth without letting her take advantage of you.

EDDIE SAYS:

The thing to remember here is that this will not be a quick process. You -- I'm guessing -- failed to move your daughter along toward maturity at the age where she should have developed it.

That can't be fixed overnight.

You have to do what Alana suggested, but you're also going to have to phase it in. And incorporate your whole family, so that she doesn't just run to them again.

There's something else to prepare yourself for: She may just move in with the boyfriend.

That will tear you apart, because it will likely be very hard on her, learning the same lessons only with a less caring teacher. But a dose of harsh reality like that may be exactly what it takes for her to realize that she needs to be responsible for herself and start moving toward being a self-sufficient adult.