Dear Double Take,
Now that my sister and I have moved away from home, my dad -- who was always a workaholic and absentee father -- has become extremely neglectful of my 58-year-old mother. She hasn't had a car in seven years, she has no working shower, and mold is growing on the carpet and in the walls (she's highly allergic to mold). He controls all of the money and transportation. He allows bills to get overdue until utilities are turned off. Then he finally pays them enough to get them turned back on.
The only time my mother gets to go out is to go to the grocery store, for which he gives her the bare minimum of money. No human being deserves to live like this! What if something tragic happened to her?
He claims he has no money to get her anything, but he does so many "extracurricular" activities (due to his workaholism) that cost food and gas that if he'd quit them, he'd have more money.
I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't want to hear it. I've even written him a letter about how he was treating my mother, but he got angry over it and told me not to tell him how to run his life. He refuses to admit any wrongdoing, and so counseling over his workaholism is out.
Due to our circumstances, neither my sister nor I are able to take in my mother. What should I do to help her? It's so hard to call her and listen to her cry.

ALANA SAYS:

You've tried talking to your dad, and it sounds like he isn't going to change his ways anytime soon. That means Mom has to change if she wants to improve her circumstances.

From what you've told us, your mom is completely dependent on your dad. If she's unhappy in this situation -- and it certainly sounds like she is -- she needs to become more self-sufficient.

How about getting a job? Even without a car, perhaps she can arrange for public transportation or join a carpool. Or maybe she could pursue some employment opportunities out of her home. The prospect of starting a new job at age 58 might be scary, but she needs her independence.

As far as the mold goes, contact your regional indoor environmental office to determine the real dangers and to find out what kind of resources might be available.

Once your mom decides to take matters into her own hands, she can decide if she wants to put up with your neglectful dad.

EDDIE SAYS:

Your sister and you are all in a family with your mother and father.

However, you're not in their marriage. Whether it's getting more independent with a job, participating in volunteer activities or demanding more money, she really does have to be the one to make some moves. She has to start to redefine what is acceptable to her, and be willing to impose some consequences, whatever they may be.

You can talk with her, make suggestions and give her any help she requests. But it's up to her to do the hard work of solving the problem.

Dear Double Take,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a month. We want to move in together and possibly get engaged.
The problem is that my mother thinks that it is too soon for us to do that. I don't think it is.
We have this connection that I can't even begin to describe, and we make each other so happy. I'm happier than I've ever been before. I know that I love him and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I don't want my mom to alienate him if that's our decision. How can I stop her from doing that?

EDDIE SAYS:

I've got the perfect plan: Don't move in with him, and she won't complain about you living together.

That's not what you want to hear. You want a strategy for dealing with maternal angst. But I'm looking at the root here.

You didn't give your age, but you're too young to move in with someone right now. Or maybe I can just sense your lack of maturity or experience. Great relationships start with a wonderful spark, an overwhelming attraction and a desire to be together always 'n' forever.

But so do horrible ones.

Often, the difference comes when people take enough time to gain perspective and decide if their partner really is someone who will be kind, supportive and strong when times are tough. You can only rarely tell that about someone in the first month, when infatuation can overrule the smarter parts of your brain.

Slow down. If, after a longer period of actually getting to know this guy and seeing what he's like when things aren't new and fresh, you still want to shack up, it will be much better for you -- and your mother probably won't mind.

ALANA SAYS:

Eddie's absolutely right. However, having been blinded by this kind of love in the past, I'd guess you're going to do exactly what you want ... which, in this case, means there's a good chance you'll get a place together anyway.

If your mom is reasonable, she probably isn't going to hate your boyfriend because of it. But it's pretty understandable that she'd be against your decision after only a month of dating. Chances are your mom will get over it eventually, but there's really nothing you can do to speed the process.

What's the harm in waiting a few more months before making the move? If everything is still as wonderful as it is now, you and your boyfriend will be even more sure of your future together, and your mom will have an easier time accepting it.